i'm thinking awful thoughts but i'm pretty sure few would notice.

I think it's my time. I think it's time for me to die. Yeah. That's about it. I want to die. I mean honestly, what's the point? My dad is a pompous jackass who doesn't deserve to be my father. I don't even love the guy. Tsss. The only people I don't want to leave is my family & friends. But, I think that they'd be better off without me. Yeah. That's true. It's not like they understand what goes on in my mind. It's not like they're ever gonna know. I love them yeah, but I don't think they need me. They're obviously not proud of me. All they do is say how fat I am and how much I need to lose weight. They bitch on me about my grades constantly so what's the point? I used to be happy. But that girl just isn't there anymore. I'm not happy with who I am. I'm always being put down. And death will solve all of this. It really will.

love is gonna save us

Well, I feel like an idiot. I called someone stupid without calling them stupid per say. It was the guy I like. DM. Well, my friend IK said that I liked him. I wasn't even at school that day. Well, she said so and he said that he didn't want a relationship and well, neither did I.

So, I messaged him on MySpace saying,

"i don't like you in that way. i only like you as a friend. i mean you're cute and all but you're not exactly someone i can talk to about english literature or salvador dali. do you get what i mean???"

He replied saying:

"i get it"

I've blown it. I know I have. I didn't even see him at school today. My friends did, but I didn't. And, I really wanted to apologize to him to. :[ I feel so bad about what I said.

So, DM, if you're reading this, I really am sorry.

why does every moment have to be so hard?

I'm not one who usually complains about their friends but sometimes, it just really crosses the line. I mean yeah, we can be silly a little gross. Actually, a lot gross but that's who we are. BUT IT CROSSES THE LINE A LOT. It's just, manners please, we're in public! Stop announcing the fact that you have to fart or just burping really loud, OUT OF NO WHERE. It's nasty. VERY NASTY. I don't see why I can't tell my friends this. GRRR.

I'm sick today. So, I texted my friend daring her to tell this guy that I liked him. It was a joke and I told her that yet she still went ahead and did it. GOD. I told her not to. What kind of friend does that? What kind of friend goes behind your back and tells your secret?! I feel like I have to do some sort of damage control! UGH! I'm just, REALLY REALLY pissed. And tired. I don't know what to do anymore. . .Help please.

drugs, booze and the evening news.

Hi. My name's Amanda Balagot. And this is my life. I've recently just moved to California. I migrated here from the Philippines. Im currently living with my dad Jess Balagot.

There are a lot of reasons why I moved here, and now, I think i'm ready to tell the world why I wanted to move back here.

• I honestly DESPISED the Philippines for everything it stood for. I hated the way it looked and how conservative it was. It was to much for me to handle.
• I didn't like how stereotypical some people are. Like if you speak english well, they'll mark you as an "inglesera" or they'll act like your best friend.
• I hated how hot it was. I praised my Mom every time she's take us to Baguio. Felt like being in South San Francisco.
• I hated the way how some people talked. Like when they would speak english, it would be impossible to understand them. =
• I had to leave, cause i created ONE blog. That showed a bit of gossip within my life, then, i got an e-mail from a _____ sender giving a list of girls who were together who had broken up and who liked who. I was stupid enough to copy paste it from the e-mail and put it up. It was stupid and i'm sorry for what i did.
• It felt like everybody despised me. So i thought, "if i'm living in a place where nobody likes me, why am i here?" I longed for a place where people were like me. Where nobody would judge me for who i am. I wanted to go back.
• I had friends. Some real, some fake. I had few real friends. But i had many "FAKE" friends.
• In other simple words, I was tired with my life in the Philippines and I wanted a new one. I wanted to start over...

Now you know. Now please, do me a favor, and don't judge me for this. These are my thoughts, my emotions, and my opinions. So whatever you do, just read and understand. DON'T JUDGE. I'm sure whoever is reading this barely knows me.